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    But in fact, experts don’t know where hemorrhoids come from. I had not expected that Transformers would play a role in my butt-health crisis.

    I ask him, giggling, if he’s at least going to take me to dinner first. And the person I am today is a person with hemorrhoids. They’re conspicuous, but, in the end, easy to take care of. Mostly, people are sitting with no visible discomfort except that which comes with being elderly. The doctor fiddles with something and with several mechanical whirrs, the bench rises about a foot and dips forward.

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    After all, I have always taken my time on the toilet. In the waiting room for a colorectal surgeon, that remains the case. Apparently my self-diagnosis was absolutely correct. This news strengthens my hypothesis that I am right about 95 percent of the time.♦◊♦We go into the actual room where the magic happens.

    Reading the entire series on the toilet—twice—was probably not entirely responsible. In other doctors’ offices, you aren’t sure what condition each person is suffering from.

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